When approaching couples counseling, I work within the framework of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) as well as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). In EFT, we work to uncover and access emotions consistently to be able to share our inner world more effectively with our partners. When we can communicate clearly, we can more easily resolve conflict. Knowing that our partner can receive our heavy emotions without judgement or defensiveness, that they can see the entirety and complexity of our inner world and accept it fully, contributes to emotional trust and safety.
Most of us carry wounds related to early childhood or previous experiences in close relationships, and we tend to be activated by our romantic partner. Our partner is typically our primary attachment in adulthood and therefore primed for sparking intensity in our emotional experience. These unaddressed raw spots keep the negative cycle going, and couples stay stuck without an awareness of what's really going on underneath. This is one area where EMDR can help couples access the ability to interrupt their negative cycle.
EMDR is an eight-phase model and the initial stages (prior to any reprocessing) involve exploring a client's timeline of significant experiences and close relationships and ensuring that client can appropriately access emotions and memories without undue stress.
EMDR helps initially by creating foundational understanding, insight, and awareness. Identifying negative core beliefs, the protective but untrue thoughts that color our interactions, help us to better understand unmet attachment needs and what we really need from our partner.
For example: You have always been protective of others. You have a strong sense of responsibility. When we explore your history together we note a significant event where at twelve years old you were in charge of your six-year-old little brother at the zoo and he got lost. Your parents came down on you harshly in their panic and a part of you, in your shame and fear, concluded "I'm bad," and "I have to be perfect."
Now, when your partner turns to you to express their frustration over dishes left in the sink, it triggers a response in your brain that looks something like this:
I'm doing my best. They don't see the things I have done well. I'm so frustrated and annoyed.
And under that, sadness. Fear. The desire to feel seen and fully accepted.
Fueling that, a belief: "I have to be perfect. I'm bad."
When we identify together what core beliefs shape present day experience, you have a greater ability to choose your responses. Now that you know what is going on underneath, your partner, who only sees your frustration and shutdown in response to their attempt to communicate a need, can understand what is happening for you as well.